Pillow Talk

I was pretty close to dozing off in bed the other night, when:

K: So, honey?

C: Mmmm-hmmm?

K: I was wondering something, and I thought I'd just ask, since you've had more girlfriends than I have.

C: *suddenly wide awake* You know, dear, no conversation that starts out like that ever goes well. Ever. It's like a rule or something.

K: Well, I was just curious about something.

C: Yes? warily...

K: Do you think it is unusual that I like ...? Or do lots of people like to ...?

C: Hmmmm. seriously considering the question

C: Well, I...

K: interrupting Cause I was just wondering if, in your experience, others like it too, or if it was just part of what makes me such an exceptional lover?

C: Uh, well, thanks for clarifying how I was supposed to answer! Obviously, it is uniquely *you*, because you are such an exceptional lover, and no one else in the whole world would ever even think about doing that. *whew, glad she interrupted before I finished stepping into that minefield!*

K: Yeah, that's what I thought. I just wanted to make sure.

I like this kid.

So this is the first week back to school at East Jesus Community College. As I am sure you all can imagine, I love the first week back b/c of the huge influx of rude, stupid, crazy people. I have a particular dislike for the first week of classes b/c I have to be a greeter for students and new faculty. I have to stand near the entrance of my building and tell the lost where to go. (Yes, it a huge temptation to tell them where I really want them to go.) The traffic ebbs and flows as classes get started and end. I noticed this one kid come during a particular busy time and just sort of look around. I asked if he needed help finding something, and he said he was just hanging out waiting for his girlfriend to get out of class. I loved his shirt... "I don't like people." After the busyness died down for that round, we had this conversation...

Me: *looking obviously at his shirt with a grin* Me either.

Student: *quick as a wink* Sucks to be you then, huh... with a job like that?

Me: *laughs* Tell me about it!

Student: *laughs*

Ahhh, it had been a really stressful morning. I really needed that bit of comic relief. And seriously, he had perfect timing with his retort.

Ummm, ok...

Background: I've put together "how-to" guides for the stupid fucks instructors who can't seem to figure out the more basic tasks that come with their jobs. I recently mailed out this semesters newsletter and mentioned, as I do every semester, that I have these how-to guides available for anyone who would like them.

Here is the email conversation I have had today with one such stupid fuck instructor.

Courtney,

I received the newsletter in the mail today. (Yada yada about what she found most helpful, in an attempt to win a gas card - bribery!) I would appreciate having all of the how-to guides sent to me. You can mail them if you want (yada yada home address), but I would prefer you email them to me, if you have an electronic version, because I don't want to wait for them to come in the mail. (Emphasis mine - it's important.)

Signed,
Annoying
Instructor

Dear Annoying Instructor,

I have attached the "how-to" guides you requested. Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance.

Thanks,
Courtney

COURTNEY,

I HAVE YOUR EMAIL BUT I AM NOT GOING TO OPEN THE ATTACHMENTS BECAUSE I AM ON DIAL UP AND MY COMPUTER SAYS IT WILL TAKE OVER 2 HOURS TO DOWNLOAD THEM!!! DO YOU SEE HOW UNACCEPTABLE THIS IS?!? YOU REALLY NEED TO REALIZE THAT NOT ALL OF AMERICA HAS FAST INTERNET AT HOME YET!! I SAID THAT YOU COULD MAIL THEM TO ME. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO EMAIL THEM. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. IT IS KIND OF POINTLESS TO HAVE HOW-TO GUIDES IF NO ONE CAN GET ACCESS TO THEM. I AM VERY FRUSTRATED WITH THIS MESS.

Signed,
Annoying Instructor

Hello! Rude, much? Can we say overreaction?? Sheesh. Is it any wonder I really hate my job some days. FTR, the newsletter did mention that these were full color, multi-page guides. AND this particular instructor has always emailed me from her full-time job before, where she does have high-speed internet. But all that aside, do we still need to be so rude? Good grief. That was this morning... I haven't responded yet. I don't think I can be polite. *eye roll*

I hate phones. # 3,279

*phone rings*

Me: East Jesus Community College, Division from Hell, this is Courtney. How may I help you?

Dumb-ass Student: *garble, garble, crackle, garble*?

Me: *fucking cell phones* I'm sorry. Could you repeat your question?

DaS: I'm trying to order my books for class online, and the link-thingie to get to the bookstore isn't working.

Me: Ok, hold on just a moment. *tries link and it works perfectly and quickly* Ma'am? The link seems to be functioning properly. Can you tell me what page you are getting a link from?

DaS: It is a direct link that I have saved in my favorites thingie.

Me: Hmmm. Well, ok, let's try going through a different way, just in case your link is expired or something. We can get there through the current students page on the main website. So, first go the EJCC home page. Do you have that web address?

DaS: Well, I can't do that right now, b/c I don't have internet access.

Me: *crickets* ... *stunned silent*

DaS: Uh, hello?

Me: Um. Sorry. You, um, don't have internet access right now?

DaS: Yeah, our phones and internet and everything are down.

Me: So, uhm, do you think that might be the problem with the link to the bookstore?

DaS: I wouldn't think so. I mean, I have it saved in my favorites and everything. Do you need internet to go to a page you have saved?

Me: Uh. Yeah, I think so.

DaS: Well, that stinks! Shouldn't the online bookstore be accesible to everyone, whether they have internet or not?!

~
Me: *crickets*

~
Me: Would you like me to transfer you to the bookstore, so you can talk to them?

Size Matters

I treated the girls to Chinese take out for dinner tonight, while Kim and Amanda have their mother-daughter night. We decided to order a few dishes and have our own, at-home, Chinese buffet. I was making Mary's plate first.

MM: Whoa! Whoa, whoa! You're putting a lot of food on my plate, Courtney.

C: Oh, sorry, punks.

MM: You have to remember that I am only a small child. I cannot eat like a grown up adult. My size is small.

C: *trying very hard not to laugh* You're absolutely right. I'll remember that next time.

Bath Time

The kids have an opportunity to earn an allowance while they are here. Since they are joining the family, they get all the perks (and responsibilities) that go along with being members of the family. They can earn $1/day by getting everything done on their to-do list each day. The things on this list are meant to inspire good habits and routines. Twice daily teeth brushings are just an example of things that are covered. Another thing is a daily shower, in an assigned time slot. (Yes, I understand how OCD this sounds, but, for this at least, keep in mind that we have now doubled our family size, in a very small house, and an extremely limited hot water tank.)

We were discussing allowance disbursement tonight, and it came up that the girls had not taken showers this morning. I decided to give them an extra chance to have an evening shower, so they could get their $1. Madison took me up on it. Mary reluctantly went for it, but quickly changed her mind. We then had this discussion...

Me: Ok, Mary, you don't have to take a shower tonight, but you realize you won't earn your money if you don't?

MM: Yes. But I am just SOOOO sleepy. I can't do it tonight.

Me: Ok, that's fine.

MM: It would be so much easier if I could just take like, 5 showers in one day, and then just skip the next few days.

Me: *trying not to laugh* Yes, that would be easier, wouldn't it?

MM: Yeah. *wistful*

*silence*

MM: So, um, could I?

Me: *laughs* No. Punk.

MM: Well, what about just for tomorrow? Could I take two showers tomorrow, and still get my allowance tonight?

Me: No, I don't think so. It only counts if you take a shower each day.

MM: Oh, ok. Will you cuddle me?

I hate phones.

*phone rings at work*

Me: "Division Office", this is Courtney. How may I help you?

Caller: Hi, is this Dean M.?

Me: Uhhh. No. This is Courtney.

Caller: Oh, you're not Dr. M.?

Me: No. This is Courtney. May I help you?

Caller: Well, can I talk to Dr. M.?

Me: No, she is away on vacation until next week. Is there anything I can assist you with?

Caller: So I can't talk to her?

Me: Nooo, sir. She is out of the office. Would you like to leave a message?

Caller: No, not really. I'd prefer to actually speak with her.

Me: She. isn't. here. today. She will be back next week. You may call back then, or I can take a message to have her call you.

Caller: I don't mind waiting. Can you just put me on hold?

Me: Sure, why not?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

L: Is that hold light for me?

Me: Nope. It's for Dr. M.

L: But I heard you tell them she wasn't here.

Me: Yep. But he wanted to wait.

L: Long wait. *snicker*

Me: Yep. *rolls eyes*

L: You just gonna leave it like that?

Me: I haven't decided yet.

L: LOL

Just smile and nod

We paid a much needed, and long overdue, visit to our BFF, Brandon the Bartender, last night for an impromptu date night. I can always tell when we have been socializing with him because my wife gets a bit whacky more fun exciting. Because of this, I have perfected the smile and nod routine. I could tell you some stories about the ideas my wife comes up with. Nearly as exciting as her ideas though, are the conversations that she initiates from total left field. Last nights conversation went something like this...

C: *chattering on about something*

K: *totally randomly* I bet some of our friends have a hard time imagining *me* married to a man.

C: Uhhh. Yeah, probably.

K: Well, honestly, I just can't imagine *myself* married to a man either. Not anymore, I mean.

C: *whew!* Guess I can cross that off the things to be worried about list.

Bedtime

C: *popping up out of bed* Oh! I almost forgot to take my bitch birth control pill.

K: Good job remembering, dear.

C: Yeah... wouldn't want to get knocked up this month.

K: *SPEW* lol

Quarterly Shopping, Q&A part 1

Sassy asked:

Why not more shopping at Sam's? There are three parts to this answer. 1st is that I do a bit more shopping there than what was listed on this month's shopping list. That was just all I needed this month. So it isn't quite as bare as it looks. 2nd is that, like I mentioned in an earlier comment to Maria, I really don't like that we shop there. I have quite a few issues with walmart/sam's club, but those issues aren't (yet) sufficient enough to completely wean me off of Sam's. I do strive to break my dependence on them as much as possible though. But for most of the things we purchase there, we have such a massive price difference from anywhere else I can buy them. I can't really justify the cost to my family just to appease my conscience. 3rd, and probably most important to this discussion, we're brand snobs, pure and simple. LOL We buy very specific brands of almost everything. There are very few items that we don't care what brand we buy. And most of the things we buy, Sam's either doesn't carry our specific brand or the specific product within that brand. Examples: we only buy glad force flex odor shield trash bags - they carry many glad products, but not that one, they also carry hefty ultra flex... but there is only one we buy. They only sometimes carry our toothbrush heads. There are several more examples, but that really lowers the number of products we shop for there. I also try to buy very few food products there.

Coupon Sites? I don't often use coupon sites, though I occasionally will stumble across one I really want to use. I mostly use coupons sent to us for products we use (I let companies we are loyal to know it - companies really appreciate knowing those things.), coupons sent to us by the stores we shop at (we get coupons from all the stores on my shopping list, except sam's), coupons I get online at the stores websites or pick up in store, and coupons I print off from the companies websites.

Meal planning? Well, as mentioned, I plan our meals a year at a time. We buy our beef in bulk, from a local farm, a year at a time. I buy our chickens a quarter at a time, at our health food store, locally delivered from a farm here. The meat goes in the deep freeze. When I sit down to plan our meals for the year, I, pretty much unfailingly, follow a plan - it makes it easier for me to figure out meals. So, for us:

Sunday - used to be for Amanda to plan and cook, but she is really slacking on the job, and it is definitely not my hill to die on, so starting this quarter, I'm taking it over. I don't have a firm plan for this night, except EASY. I'll figure out a more precise plan for it as I start working on next year's menu.

Monday - Beef

Tuesday - Seafood, Pork, or Vegetarian. We do not eat a lot of any of these, so once or twice a month works out just fine. Also, if I need to cancel a meal later in the plan b/c I know now that we will be traveling, I have often moved a cancelled favorite into this spot. Not counting that though, it averages out to once a month each for pork and seafood, and twice a month for vegetarian.

Wednesday - Kim and Amanda's night out. When I have my act together and am not exhausted, I will cook something super easy for myself or heat up leftovers. Most of the time, I use my allowance and get delivery.

Thursday - Chicken

Friday - Soup 90% of the time. For a little variety I sometimes throw salad or sandwich in there, but that happens maybe once a quarter. It is pretty much soup night.

Saturday - Fun night... pizza, egg rolls, snack night, date night (Amanda fends for herself), occasionally delivery or take out. But usually home cooked, just a fun meal.

So within those parameters, I then start filling in meals. I try to add in a few new yummy sounding things each year, but we mostly eat favorites. I plan on cooking a whole chicken once a month (roast chicken dinner) usually, and then after that meal, I divide up the leftovers (I usually get three more meals worth of meat, plus broth) and freeze them for the chicken dinners the rest of the month. I figure out how much beef of each type I have (ground, steak, roast, chunks [for stew/stir fry/kebabs]), and then figure out what meals I want to have of each, and then divide them up in the menu. Once a month (usually first Saturday of the month), Kim and I have date night, where we go out for a meal (we date weekly, but usually work it around meal times). Once a month, usually the last Saturday of the month, but shuffled around for holidays and parties, we have snack night - everyone picks one snack to contribute and then we all share them for dinner. From there, I just plan meals, trying to get every one's favorites in.

I think I am saving money, especially on the things that I buy in bulk. But groceries are just so outrageously expensive these days, it can make it hard to appreciate it. Hope this helps - let me know if you have any other questions! (In some ways it is easier for me to answer questions, rather than just try to think of how to explain everything. :) )

My Jerry Springer life

So I'm at work, and an adjunct, who appears to be of Indian descent (that is a relevant observation), comes by the office and asks my supervisor if she can use her master key to let him into his locked classroom. While he waited the couple of minutes for her to finish a phone call, we chatted casually... the weather, the holiday, that sort of thing. Finally she is ready and they head off down the hall, out of site, but not yet out of earshot.

Adjunct: I noticed the other woman's last name was. She doesn't look Indian...?

*darn! Now, they're out of earshot!!*

Couple of minutes later...

Supervisor Linda to me: He asked me about your name.

Me: *snickering* I heard.

Linda: LOL! I wasn't sure how to respond...

Me: Me either! I was really glad he asked you instead of me. *snickering*

Linda: LOL!! Well...

Me: Yeah... just imagine trying to explain, it's *not* my name. It is my wife's ex-husbands name.

Linda: Yeah... tough one that. hahaha

Rescuing Courtney

So we're laying in bed, and are just about to turn the lights out for the evening, when:

Court: EEEEEEEEEK! *total girly-squeal* (While trying to scramble frantically under the covers.)

Kim: What!?? What's wrong??

Court: A fluttery, flying... thing! Ick! Ewww! Get rid of it! Eeeeeek! Please deal with it!!

Kim: Ok, ok. It's fine. I'll handle it.

Court: Thanks baby. Oh, ewWWW! There it is!

Kim: I see it... there! Got it.

Court: *whew* Good! Get rid of it!! Please!!

Kim: *whack!* *whack!* *whack!* There! It's gone. You can relax. *insert super-hero voice* I took care of it.

Court: Honey! Did you KILL it?? *insert completely horrified voice*

Kim: Well... yeah. You *wanted* me to get rid of it.

Court: I didn't want you to KILL it though. :( Poor lil' thing.

Kim: Man, I just can't win.

Court: Well, thanks for rescuing me. But next time don't kill it, ok? Unless it is really icky, or something.

Kim: LOL! Sure dear, I'll remember that for next time. Only kill the really icky ones. And you screeching EEEEEEEEEEEK! at the top of our lungs is not indicative of ickiness, right?

Court: Exactly!